Teaser Tuesday 10-14-2009

THIS IS THE FIRST PAGE OF  “THE FALLEN ONE”

 

Screeching noises pulled me from the darkness. I opened my eyes to blurry images. Strong hands grasped my shoulders and pulled me from the ground.

“Are you completely insane! You’re lucky I was here. What are you trying to do get yourself killed?”

The voice was angry and impatient. He grasped my arm and pulled me against the wall. The sound grew louder as a large object rushed before our faces. I leaned toward the object curiously and stretched out my hand.

“You really are insane! Get over here.”

The angry voice pulled my arm back and stood in front of me. He wrapped his body protectively around mine. The damp wall sent chills up my already cold body as he pressed me into it. His frame was rough and warm as it crushed against mine.

The object disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared. I looked at my surroundings. It was dark and damp wherever I was. The smell of urine and mold assaulted my nose as I took in a deep breath through it and I coughed loudly.

“Not what you expected is it? They never tell anyone the whole truth about what it’s like once you get here. I can’t believe you would land here of all places though. Don’t they at least point you in a direction before you jump nowadays? You’re supposed to have someone waiting for you on this side.” He hesitated for a moment in the midst of his rant. “Here put this on.”

He removed a dark piece of cloth from his body and wrapped it around me forcefully.

“We need to at least try to keep you warm.”

I looked up at the face of the voice for the first time and stared curiously at his irritated expression. He was nice looking to me. His eyes sparkled like blue diamonds beneath the faint light from above. His dark hair was pulled back loosely at the nape of his neck. I noticed dark markings along one side of his throat. He was familiar to me and I couldn’t figure out why.

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7 Comments

  1. Really intriguing opening, some nice mystery. The one thing that kept popping out at me was your tendency to describe things with two adjectives:

    High pitch noises
    faint, blurry images
    Strong cool hands
    long, large object

    That’s just in the first three paragraphs. It creates a sing-songy feel which you probably don’t want. In some cases, one adjective will do. In others I think you can pick a stronger noun so you don’t need an adjective at all – like “screeches” and “sirens” instead of “noises.” It will strengthen not only your writing but the reader’s ability to picture you scene.

  2. Definitely creates a lot of curiosity. I like the gruff but friendly stranger.

  3. I agree with Gretchen. It’s interesting and keeps me curious. I’m intrigued as to find out what happens next. She’s also got a good point about how it sounds.

    Here’s a few other things that I got caught on (keep or toss as you want):

    1) “Are you completely insane! You’re lucky I was here. What are you trying to do get yourself killed?”

    I think if you have the first sentence end in a question mark, it would sound and look better. Also, you need a comma or break up the last sentence. As it is, it doesn’t read right and I keep wanting to figure out how to make it better… could just be me though.

    2) Missing or not used comma or over used “and”‘s.
    example: The smell of urine and mold assaulted my nose as I took in a deep breath through it and I coughed loudly.

    you could just say “through it and coughed loudly.” And don’t forget that you need a comma (usually) before the word “though”.

    Keep or toss as you want. 🙂 Over all, a great snippet and can’t wait to read more! 🙂

  4. This is really good. It has me very curious and I’d def want to read more. I agree with Jy about the question mark in the first “Are you insane!” That stood out to me too. I don’t know anything about your story and the mystery you start with is really good.

  5. I agree with Gretchen about the adjectives.

    I do think, niggles aside, that you’re moving in the right direction, because you leave the reader wanting to know what happens next!

  6. Yay, brand new blog! I like the mystery here, and am curious about the gruff man–who may or may not be a stranger. I agree with the other that you can tighten some parts of your writing a bit, but you did create some intrigue, so yay! 🙂

  7. Congrats on the blog!

    You do a nice job of setting up a mystery here – I really want to know what’s going on. Other people, like Gretchen, have already done a good job of pointing out places you can tighten, but it looks like you’re off to a great start.


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