Teaser Tuesday 10-20-2009

This excerpt is from my novel The Bond.  The MC (Cleo) is helping Molly move out of an abusive home.  Cleo is a 100 yr old vampire and Molly is a somewhat ‘new’ vampire.  Molly’s brother (Lewis) did some nasty things to Molly and this scene is where both Cleo and Molly confront him seperately as Molly is leaving her parent’s house for the last time… ENJOY!

pg. 275  of  THE BOND 

“Man that was brutal. They needed to hear it though, I just can’t believe I did it without crying.” She said as she rummaged through her closet for a suitcase.
I simply nodded and went to work helping her pack her belongings. Each trip I made to the car her mother stared at me while her father paced the floor. They knew they were helpless to stop us. When the last bag was packed Molly looked around her room.
“Well, I guess this is it.” She said with a sigh.
We headed to the front door together.
“Cleo, can you take this to the car for me?  I would like to say goodbye to them, in private.”
“No problem.”
I took the bag from her and headed out the door. When I looked up I was face to face with Lewis.
“Hey good looking where you off to?” He asked as he flashed a smile at me.
I placed the bag on the porch and looked up at him.  His eyes were cold and menacing as I glared into them.
“I made a promise not to kill you myself for what you’ve done to Molly.  I never said anything about breaking a few bones though.” I seethed.
He took a step back from me.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Molly must be making things up again. She’s got a problem with that you know.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. He was actually denying it. I stepped closer to him and looked deep into his eyes locking them into my gaze.
“You filthy human.  If you ever touch another girl the way you did Molly you will become so overcome with guilt that you’ll take your own life. You’ll do it slowly and painfully. First you’ll chop off your manhood and place it in a pot of boiling water, to cleanse it from the filth you used it for. Then you’ll rip your own tongue out for all the lies you’ve told about her. Finally you’ll slowly cut each finger off one by one for every time you touched her. You will drown in your own blood and die…slowly.”
I watched as the persuasion took a firm hold. I knew this would make Molly angry, but he deserved it. He finally nodded and I knew it had worked. I released my hold on his mind and picked up the bag. He stared after me as I headed to the car. He was still standing there when Molly walked outside. I could hear her as she spoke to him.
“You’ll never be able to hurt me again Lewis. I forgive you for what you’ve done to me, but I will never forget it. If I hear you ever hurt another little girl the way you did me I’ll kill you where you stand and no jury in the world would convict me. Do you understand?” She snarled through her teeth.
He nodded numbly, still in a daze from my earlier persuasion. She stalked past him and got in the car.
“Let’s go.” She said as I cranked the engine and headed toward home.

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5 Comments

  1. Very intense! I almost want a little emotion when she sees him before she starts her persuasion, just to help transition into the intense scene. Otherwise, yeah, I flinched lol.

  2. Sorry, just didn’t gross me out. Of course… that’s probably because I’ve read/written worse, lol. A great job with the description and suggestion.

    Watch the punctuation. You need a few commas to make the sentences flow smoother. Also, I’m like Christa: add some internal thoughts and feelings. The words are great, but some internal reflections would be nice, too. Also, I was wondering what Molly’s reaction was to seeing him. Fear? anger? hatred? what?

    of course, I’m probably wrong in the suggestions (with the exception of, maybe, the punctuation). 🙂 great job with this!

  3. I like the idea that she said she wouldn’t kill him herself, but she’d damn sure make certain he didn’t live through a next time. That’s my kinda girl.

  4. Interesting premise.

    I agree about the emotions, I also think you could trim a few adverbs to up the tension and menace in the scene.

    Nice girl, no messing with her!

  5. This is really good. I think you have some realistic conversations, etc. going on. I remember your teaser from last time and thought your premise/story was a good one. The dialogue seems a bit words/stilted to me, maybe just in the dialogue tags. Overall, great job!


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