Teaser Tuesday 11-24-2009

Since you all loved the tough Rose from last week’s teaser I thought I would give you another teaser with her in it.  Let me know what you think.

IMMORTAL BEGINNINGS: RISE OF THE WARRIORS

excerpt from pg. 69

They each searched the other group for their opponent. Rose already knew whom she wanted.

“I get the big one,” she smiled.

The General shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t come crying to me when you get hurt little girl.”

She continued to smile as she eyed Smitty, ignoring the sarcasm in the General’s voice as she turned to face him.

“I think you’ll be surprised General, maybe even a little disappointed.”

“Then by all means why don’t you two go first.” He said as he gestured to the mat.

Rose and Smitty walked to the mat. She bowed to Vitus and then turned on Smitty. She watched him closely as they circled one another. His elevated  heart rate confirmed Rose’s suspicion that he was nervous about this. He made a move toward her and she swiftly dodged.

“I thought you would be faster mort. Guess I’ll have to slow my movements down even more for you.”

Rose was taunting him. She wanted to make him angry. Anger always leads to a mistake, and he was already too easy of a target. She needed to try to at least make this entertaining for the rest of them. He executed a number of kicks in her direction as she dodged them with ease.

“Seriously? Vitus, can I get this over with, I’m getting a little bored,” Rose called over her shoulder.

She gave Smitty the perfect target. He took the bait and lunged toward her. She spun and landed a kick into his midsection, sending him to the ground. He looked up at her with shock and anger. She stood over him and smiled.

“You want me to tell you what you’re doing wrong?”

“By all means…enlighten me,” he groaned.

He stood and took his fighting stance again.

“First of all you’re way too loud. Try to control your breathing. Your movements should be silent, not an announcement. Secondly quit fighting me like I’m a girl. Every night child you approach should be considered a dangerous opponent. You’re trying too hard to not hurt me, when you should be worrying about me hurting you. I’m not even moving at top speed here.”

Her voice was filled with irritation and sarchasam. She  wanted to show the morts that just because she was a girl didn’t mean she would be easily defeated.

Smitty attacked again, this time with more calculation. He anticipated her movement and landed a blow to her right cheek. He grinned with satisfaction as she put her hand up to her face.

“Not bad, but you didn’t wait for my final point mort. Never, ever underestimate the hidden power a night child or Liber Cruor possesses.” she said with a smile.

She was enjoying this more than she had though she would.

He lunged toward her again, as she stood upright and continued to smile at him. Her fangs glistened with her blood as she raised her left eyebrow. He was stopped in mid swing. His fist inches from her face. His eyes grew fearful as he realized he had no control over his body.

“You see mort, I could have crushed you with a single thought a long time ago and you wouldn’t have any idea what happened.”

She looked at Smitty and lowered her eyes to the mat. His body followed with a loud thud. He was on his knees before her. The group of soldiers gasped in unison at the sight of Smitty nealing there. He looked up at her with fury.

 “Rose I think he gets the idea. Let’s get on to the next match.” Vitus called from behind her.

“Fine, I was just beginning to have fun though.” She whined as she released her hold on him.

He slumped to the ground. Rose turned her back to him and headed toward her place between Darius and Vitus. She heard Smitty’s footsteps rushing toward her. A sinister smile crossed her face as she turned and thrust her hand into the air. Smitty flew across the hanger and landed against the far wall. The impact of his body to the metal echoed as he grunted.

“Now that was just mean Smitty. We were finished and you were gonna fight dirty.” She shook her head as she looked to the General. “You have anyone else for me sir, or would you like the rest of my friends to show you the incompetence of you soldiers?”

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12 Comments

  1. Very nice. I like it a lot. These characters are really shaping up nicely.

  2. Rose is an interesting character! I haven’t read the earlier snips, but I like the “night child” take on this. Fun stuff!

    Just a quick word of warning—there’s a hugely popular YA vamp series with a tough MC named Rose. I don’t know if you’d want to change her name or not, but thought you’d like to know at least. 🙂

    • Yeah, I know about the other ‘Rose’. Ironically, after I started this series my daughter got the ‘other’ books for a gift. I thought it was pretty funny. If I ever get it close to a publisher I will probably change it. For now its just too big a pain in the rear to do. LOL

  3. actually, if you’re using word, it’s pretty easy. Just use “replace all” and, unless you use the word “rose” for other stuff (like the plants…), it would work perfectly and not be a pain at all. 🙂

    this is pretty interesting and I love Rose’s sauciness. It’s fun to read and I’m curious as to what happens next!

    oh, and don’t forget to use your commas when talking to someone. I don’t know if it would be someone that agents look at when reading samples, but… better safe than sorry?? 😀

    • eeek! something* not someone….

    • Right, but it would replace any & all instances of the letters ‘r o s e’ in order. I would prefer to go through with the ‘find’ and change 1 at a time. Just to be sure I don’t screw something else up. LOL

  4. So intrigued by the premise of the story. Rose is certainly feisty!
    My only quibble is some of her dialogue seems a bit stiff, especially when she’s giving her opponent advice. I think, given her strength as a character, she could be a bit more casual in tone when she tells Smitty what’s what.
    Other than that, I’m enjoying this and I’m definitely wanting to know how this all shakes out.

  5. This is definitely getting somewhere! I enjoy this scene but I’d like to know more about what’s around them, which of course you could have totally done prior to this entry, so ignore me if you did. And I think you said Smitty nealing there but meant kneeling. Keep it coming!

  6. Rose is badass. Plain and simple. I love it when she arches her eyebrow to the opponent; it’s so subtle, yet it’s so, “Oh, yeah…you want some of this?” Haha. Nice!

  7. Rose is a feisty one – I like! There’s something kind of formal about the way she talks, though. Not sure if that’s intentional. If it’s not, you might want to go back and read her dialogue out loud and see how it sounds.

    • The formal dialouge with the soldiers is intentional. She doesn’t like or trust them. This scene is part of a ‘test’ where the soldiers doubt her usefulness. She is being ‘professional’ when she talks to Smitty.

  8. I noticed this last time but forgot to comment on it and its really all over the excerpt here so I’m going to point it out. It’s a technical issue but a dialogue line like this – “I get the big one.” She smiled. – should read like this – “I get the big one,” she smiled. Comma after the line (unless it ends with a ?) then lower case on the pronoun otherwise they read like separate sentences, which they aren’t.

    Other than that I really like the action but Rose’s dialogue seemed a bit stilted, maybe a little too cliche for the female warrior. You still want her to feel like a real person, I think, not a Buffy clone. 😉


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