Teaser Tuesday 12-01-2009

*DID SOME REVISING…HOPE IT READS BETTER.*

Here’s another Scene from HALFLING. Cami has just been forced to drink human blood for the first time and is considering running away from the Academy. Cason finds her in a field near the fence. ENJOY

HALFLING

(excerpt from Chapter 12)

“Are you hurt?”  His voice was filled with concern as he leaned over me.  

“Don’t touch me,”  I whispered.

I scooted away form him, covering my face with my hands. The pain was almost gone and I could feel sharpness pricking against my bottom lip.  I slowly moved my hand to my mouth and ran my fingers across my newly grown fangs. 

“Okay, sorry.  Relax, I won’t touch you.  I just wanted to know if you’re injured.” 

I felt tears pouring down my face.  I pulled my knees to my chest,rolling to my side. 

“Go away,”  I mumbled. 

He moved closer to me as I inched further away. 

“Cami…what happened?  I thought you and Zane were…well…” 

I didn’t know what to say, how to answer him.  Did I dare tell him the truth?  Could he understand, would he?  I shook my head and tried to force the tears to stop.  I just wanted to get away form here, to go anywhere but here. 

“Please Cason, just…” 

 I heard him stand and slowly walk away.  He was leaving me.  I guess I deserved to be left alone.  Devin had turned away form me.  Zane had attacked me.  Why should Cason give a damn about me? 

“Look, I’ll keep my distance if you want but I’m not leaving you out here like this.  It’s gonna take Zane a little while to heal but there’s no guarantee he won’t come looking for you.”

The thought of Zane made my stomach turn I sat up quickly and began retching the blood I had ingested onto the grass.  Cason was beside me immediately holding my hair away from my face. 

“It’s gonna be okay.  Try to clam down.” 

I jerked away from him, leaving strands of my hair in his fingertips. 

“No!  It’s not.   It’s never gonna be all right.  They know about me and…and now the Congregatio will find me.  Who cares anyway?  I should just kill myself and save them the trouble.” 

I hung my head and tried to stand.  I was still weak from losing so much blood.  I wobbled and he gently caught me and stood me up right. 

“Don’t touch me.  I’m a filthy Halfling, remember?”  I said angrily as I jerked out of his reach. 

“A Halfling, yeah I know, but filthy?  I mean, your clothes have probably seen better days, but it’s nothing a good washing won’t get out.”  He chuckled trying to lighten my mood. 

I looked around to see where we were and sighed.  “Which way to my room?  I’ve got to get out of here.” 

“Why?  Because those assholes forced you to drink that girl’s blood?  You didn’t do anything wrong.  I saw what they were doing to you.”  I looked up and saw the anger in his eyes as he spoke.  “I tried to warn you about Jana.  I’m sorry this happened.” 

“Yeah, you warned me.”

He looked like I had struck him as he stepped close to me. 

“Cami?  Did something else happen before I got there?  Did Zane…” 

I turned from his prying eyes and looked at the ground.  He placed his hand on my shoulder.  I twitched reflexively, jerking out from under it. 

“Tell me what happened.” 

“Just go.  Don’t you get it?  I’m a worthless whore and I don’t need your pity,” I seethed. 

I wanted to be left alone.  I just wanted to get as far away from the Academy as possible.

“Why do you keep saying that?  You’re not a whore and you’re definitely not worthless.”  His voice was so sweet and caring. 

“I wish I had never met Zane or Jana.  I wished I had never found Mother’s ring, then none of this would be happening.”  I twisted the ring off of my finger and threw it angrily to the ground. 

He knelt down and picked it up and held it out to me.  “You don’t mean that.  You would have figured it out eventually, even without this thing.” 

I turned my face away from him and folded my arms across my chest.  “Whatever, just throw it away.  I don’t care if Purebloods can affect me now.  No one can do any worse than what’s already happened.” 

He shoved the ring into his pocket and reached his hand out to me.  “I was too late wasn’t I?  He…hurt you didn’t he?  I’ll kill that bastard for what he did to you.” 

I couldn’t face him.  He knew that Zane had forced himself on me and tainted me.  I was unclean and un-lovable now.  I started to walk toward the lights in the distance.  It had to be the Academy.  I would get my stuff, get out of here and never look back.  

“Where do you think you’re going?  I can’t let you just walk away.  I should have been there.  I should have protected you.” 

“Why what does it matter to you if Zane did do something to me?  It’s not like I deserve your friendship or anything.  I’m nothing to you.” 

He stepped in front of me forcing me to look at his sullen face.  “That’s where you’re wrong.  You’re everything to me.  From the moment I laid eyes on you I couldn’t get you out of my mind.  I hate myself for not telling you what I felt that first day.  Then, when I saw you with Zane I knew I had screwed everything up and missed my chance.  I can’t just let you walk away from me again.”

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11 Comments

  1. Oh, ouch. What a painful scene. I think you do a nice job of getting at Cami’s ambiguous feelings. She doesn’t want Cason around; she doesn’t want him to give up and leave. Feels very natural to me.

    Be careful you don’t over describe things. For example, the part about the ring: ‘ I wished I had never found Mother’s ring, then none of this would be happening. I twisted the ring off of my finger and threw it angrily to the ground.

    “Stupid ring. If I would’ve just left well enough alone I’d be safe at home in my bed. My life was perfect until I slid that stupid thing on and saw the truth.” ‘

    It feels overdone and redundant. You don’t need her internal thoughts and the dialogue. It’s too in-your-face. That sort of thing.

    Good job!

  2. An intriguing scene, I like the whole notion of the MC retching up the blood she was forced to drink.

    I’d echo Tracey’s comments. I think you can cut down on the ‘leave me alone I’m a whore’ stuff, having the MC repeat variations of the same line more than once dulls the impact it should have.

  3. I think the scene starts out really well but I felt like there was a lot of repetition in here which weakened the emotional impact. First, a lot of repeating words: Tracey’s comment about the paragraph about the ring is a great example with the word “ring” repeated 3 or 4 times in rapid succession. Overall, there’s only so many time’s Cami can scream “I’m a dirty Halfling whore” and push Carson away before we wonder why he comes back at all. Pare it down, keeping just the most important beats of the scene, and it will have a much stronger impact.

  4. Yeah, I’ll have to agree about the redundancy, because this is a really important scene I think, you want that impact to be there. I also like the whole “doesn’t want him there, but does” kind of reaction she’s having.

  5. It was great to read, but I have to agree with the repetition thing. It slows it down and makes it boring to read.

    other than that, it’s a great scene with good tension and heart-string-tugging. It also reminds me of the romance novels I’ve read (not sure if that was intended or not….).

    anywhos, can’t wait to read more!

  6. Lol…everyone steals my thoughts when I post late! Yeah, I was really drawn into this scene at first–the retching of blood was vivid, and the first comment about the whore grabbed me. I think, besides the repetition, you lost a little steam towards the end, though. The part where he says “I was too late… sort of lacks impact, and then later, I think “sullen” was the wrong word choice for his face later, based on what he says.

    That said, you had some lovely tension in the first part of the scene, and I love the whole idea of it and storyline! A few quick fixes and it will really fly off the page! 🙂

  7. Hi there. You already know my comments on this, but I still think it’s great!

  8. Great job conveying the range of emotions in the scene. I enjoyed it! You’ve gotten some good advice, so I’ll leave it at that 🙂

  9. This is a nice emotional scene, and an interesting situation.Her self-loathing is a great draw. I do think everyone’s right about it losing steam the farther you get into it – some judicious cutting, particularly of her thoughts, would really clean it up and give it some serious punch.

  10. Okay, I’m sour on the whole vampire deal to begin with, but, that said, I enjoyed your style (with the exception of the aforementioned repetition and melodramatic “filthy whore” business). Keep cranking it out!

  11. you nephew loved seeing his name in one of your books and had meread it to him twice
    loved that you made him one of the good guys it did alot for his self esteem


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