Teaser Tuesday 12-8-2009

 

This is an excerpt from one of my works in progress.

CHERI’S SECRET

To help set up the scene, Cheri, Aaron, Kate and Alan are at the Senior Prom.

We took our pictures and danced until my feet began to hurt. Alan and I sat down at one of the tables and watched Aaron and Cheri spin around the dance floor gracefully.

“You know he’s quite good at dancing, for a jock,” I said.

“Babe you gotta stop with the jock shit. It makes him feel stupid when you bash him like that. That’s why he was so pissed earlier.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it. This is the first time I’ve ever seen him like this. Usually he’s all about football and how much weight he lifted that day. Why the sudden switch in personality?”

Alan grinned and leaned close to my chair. “He’s hoping to sweep Cheri off her feet tonight and use that room he got.”

It all made sense now, the restaurant, the fancy dancing, and even the way he helped her in and out of the limo. He was trying to show her he was capable of being a gentleman. I felt terrible for making fun of him all night. He was just trying to impress Cheri and I was poking fun at him every chance I could get.

“God, I’m such an idiot. You think he’ll forgive me?”

Alan smiled and kissed my neck. “How could anyone stay mad at you?”

Suddenly Aaron and Cheri stopped dancing. They were standing in the middle of the dance floor, facing each other. I could hear Aaron’s angry voice from across the room. I stood up and stalked toward them; intent on finding out what was going on.

“Am I not good enough for you or something Cheri? I mean shit, I’ve waited for over a year and you still act like we just met. Most guys would have dropped you a long time ago for holding out so long.”

“Aaron, please, can we not do this here? I’m sorry, but I just don’t think I’m ready for that.”

He crossed his arms over his chest and huffed loudly. “Well when will you be? When you’re 80 and no one wants you anymore? I should have known you would flake out on tonight. You’re nothing but a tease Cheri and I’m through with being teased.”

I rushed to Cheri’s side and wrapped my arms around her shoulders as she began to sob.

“Hey chill out Aaron, it’s not the end of the world or something. You should be glad she’s not easy, that she has some self respect.”

He dug in his jacket pocket and pulled out the room key his brother had given him. “Yeah, right, says the whore that gave it up after only what, one week? I’ve wasted enough time on you Cheri. I need a girl that can satisfy all of my needs. Since you’re not ready to, I’ll find someone that is.” He shoved the key into Alan’s hand as he walked away. “At least I know it won’t go to waste if I give it to you.” He grumbled.

I watched after him in shock. Cheri was trembling in my arms and I realized the entire dance floor had seen and heard everything. They stood there gawking at the three of us.

“What are you looking at? Mind your own business.” I snapped as I led Cheri to the bathroom.

I shot Alan an angry look and nodded my head toward where Aaron had stalked off. “You need to handle your boy. He’s out of control, he knows better.”

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7 Comments

  1. Wow, different this week! 🙂 Nicely done, however, couple of things:

    1) I’d say make sure the different characters have distinct voices, and,
    2) Do kids really think about a partner “satisfying all their needs”???

    Thanks for posting half an hour early! Awesome.

  2. what slushpilehero said.
    Nice to see you write something a bit different, e.g. minus vampires 🙂
    One other niggle for me…the word ‘stalked’ . You use it twice. I’m not sure it fits, given that stalking is more of a ‘stealthy’ movement. So, you may want to think of another verb or two.

  3. Different and good!!! I enjoyed reading this, but I kept getting pulled away due to the lack of commas. Probably a personal peeve, but it kept annoying me.

    I’ve heard the word “stalked” used for when someone stalks off angrily. so, to me, that one fits.

    I agree with Slush’s question about Alan’s comment on Cheri satisfying all his needs. I doubt high schoolers are worried about that.

    Other than those few things, it reads good and natural! Love the setup, tension, and the little bit of humor. it worked well together.

  4. Okay, I agree with the above comments, but just a reminder numbers are spelled out in fiction. 🙂 Also, I agree with the “satisfying” my needs thing. Maybe just call her a tease and leave it at that. BTW, WTH is his problem. UGH!! Good job though. 🙂

  5. I really liked this. Very different, but nice. I liked Alan’s voice a lot, very teen like.

  6. Great scene! I agree on the “satisfying the needs thing” but otherwise I think you do a nice job of creating the fight, and everyone’s reactions to it.

  7. Realistic dialogue with a strong voice for your main character. Great!


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