Teaser Tuesday 12-15-2009

Here’s another excerpt  from CHERI’S SECRET

It is from the end of one chapter and beginning of another.

Note: break out your tissues ladies…

CHERI’S SECRET

pg.30

I knew I hadn’t done anything to get in trouble for so I gathered my books and headed to the office. I saw my mom standing in the hallway and the look on her face stopped me in my tracks. She had been crying and looked exactly like she had when she told me about Cheri’s dad.

“Kate, honey.” She said as I cautiously walked up to her.

“What’s going on Mom? Is Dad okay?” I asked fearfully.

She wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly. “Yes, you’re dad’s fine. Come on, we need to go home,” she said.

“Why? What about my car? What’s going on?”

“Just Let me get you home, where we can talk in private,” she said.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes. Even though I didn’t know what was wrong the sadness in her voice terrified me. Whatever it was it was bad, real bad. She closed the door to her car and looked over at me. I could tell she was trying to find the words to say something, but coming up with nothing.

“Mom, what’s wrong? You gotta tell me.” I said as we headed home.

The tears were spilling out of my eyes as I watched her carefully. She pulled into the driveway and got out of the car. Frustrated I followed her in the house.

“Damnit Mom, talk to me! What’s so bad that you had to pull me out of school and wait until I got home to talk to me?” I yelled.

I didn’t know why I was so angry, but my tantrum didn’t phase her. She rushed back to me and held me close.

“Kate, honey, I’ve got some really bad news. It’s about Cheri. 

Chapter 4

I stood there staring at her in disbelief and shook my head. “No, you don’t mean…you’re lying, it’s a mistake…NO!”

She tried to pull me back to her and my knees gave out. I collapsed on the floor and sat there staring at her.

“Her mom found her this morning when she got home. It was too late,” she whispered.

“TOO LATE FOR WHAT!”

I was shaking, my stomach churned and I thought I was going to puke right then and there.

“Her mom thinks she took some pills honey. I’m sorry…she’s gone.”

She sat down on the floor next to me and tried to pull me into her arms again. I shoved her away and got up.

“No, you’re lying, Cheri wouldn’t do that Mom! She would call me if she had those thoughts, she promised to always call me.”

I felt my heart drop and remembered the missed call. She had tried to call and I didn’t answer. It was my fault she died. If I had just answered her call I would have been able to talk her down just like before, when her dad died.

“It’s my fault,” I whispered.

The room spun and darkness consumed my vision.

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6 Comments

  1. cool. dig deeper, though — really flesh it out and make us care the way you do. i like the scene and want to know more!

  2. Ooh, that’s some serious stakes you have going there. Not knowing the rest of the story, I was on pins and needles with the MC while I waited for her mother to spill. Poor kid.

  3. Oh, man. I see lots of guilt and angst ahead for your poor MC. I wonder what happened to Cheri’s dad?

  4. This is great, we’re really getting into some seriously emotional stuff. How sad and awful and you’re setting up a lot for the future of the story. That said, I agree with the above post to dig in even deeper and get those raw emotions out. I know you feel them when you’re writing, but make us feel them even more, too!

  5. Argh, I thought I’d gotten to everyone’s teasers, but I missed yours. Sorry!

    Some nice emotional stuff here, good build up. I agree with what some of the other have said that you’re not digging quite as deep as you possibly could. I’m very bad at that myself, so I know it can be difficult to channel that kind of thing into words. You’re close though. A little more and this could be a very good gun-punching kind of scene.

  6. I’m with the others here, you’re on the right track.
    From my own experience, when I’ve received dreadful news, I remember everything. Where I was, the weather, the lighting in the room, the smell of baking, the heat, the cold. Collapsing is kinda predictable. Put yourself in her place, what would you do? How would the floor feel beneath your legs. etc. etc.


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