Teaser Tuesday 1-26-2010

Here’s an excerpt from one of my current WIP’s


excerpt from pg. 123


I flipped through the channels settling for a generic looking romance movie. I leaned against the cushions and closed my eyes, listening to the drone of the conversation on the TV. A loud thud sounded from behind me and I jerked my eyes open. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming. I wrenched my neck and tried to see what had made the sound. My mouth gaped open as a whimper escaped from it. Alan was lying at the bottom of the stairs; blood flowed from a gash on his head, staining the carpet beneath him. Heavy steps sounded from the stairway. My heart raced, I had to be dreaming. Any second now Alan would touch my shoulder and wake me up.

The steps grew louder as I felt my shoulders shake. I tried to cry out but no sound would come from my terrified body. The pounding in my chest echoed the footsteps, as they grew nearer. I looked at Alan as he lie on the floor. His chest moved and I felt a slight relief wash over me. He was alive still. Another footstep sounded and I looked up into the face I had been dreading seeing.

Phillip stood over Alan; his hair was wild as he glared down at Alan. He landed a hard kick to Alan’s ribs, I squeezed my eyes together, hoping, praying that when I opened them it would all be a dream. I opened them to see Phillip staring at me, a look of malice on his face. He stalked toward me, his eyes locked on mine. I was frozen with fear. How had he gotten past the cops outside? How did he get in the house? Had I been asleep for a long time?

My eyes darted to Alan as his body twitched, a moan came from where he was laying. Phillip turned at the sound and walked back to him.

“You’re a tough one kid.” He said as he landed a kick to Alan’s head, sending it back and into the wall with a thump.

“Stop it, leave him alone.”

I had finally found my voice. It was shaky and higher than usual. Tears flowed from my eyes as I looked at Alan’s broken body. Phillip turned to me and grinned, a sick and twisted smile.

“You’re right. I don’t have a lot of time. The police are bound to be calling your dad right about now.”

Confusion filled my mind as I tried to piece together his insane ramblings.

“You know your mother was such a sweet woman. It’s a shame she wouldn’t listen to me and have you committed. We could have avoided all of this.”

He waved his hands in a gesture around the room. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest as he stepped closer to me.

“Yes, poor woman, she’s probably realizing right about now that her brakes don’t work.” A wicked laugh echoed in my ears as he continued to grin at me. “You know that hill on the way back from town is dangerous if you can’t keep your speed down.”

I gasped as I realized he must have done something to her car at some point today. My body continued to tremble as I swallowed hard, trying to figure out how I was going to survive this.

“Yes any minute now your poor father is gonna get that dreadful call. If they can identify her that is. You know, when a car gets banged around too much sometimes they blow up.” He moved his hands mimicking the sound of an explosion as he cackled.

“You monster.” I breathed. “You won’t get away with this. They’ll know it was you.”

He shrugged his shoulders as he stopped beside the couch; the stench of alcohol assaulted my nose as he leaned down close to me.

“I got nothing to loose anymore little girl. That bitch friend of yours was gonna ruin everything I worked so hard to get. I had to shut her up. Then you, little miss nosy had to go snooping. You should have just left well enough alone.”

He stood up quickly, raising his hand into the air and landing his open palm against my face. The force of his strength almost knocked me off of the couch. I grasped the arm of it to keep my balance as my face pulsed with pain.

“Years of planning and all of it gone in an instant. That little tease got what she deserved, just like you will.” He seethed.

I was helpless and alone. Alan lay silent and still on the floor against the wall and there was no way of knowing if Mom had survived the accident he had described. My only hope was that Dad would coma home in time to save me. Apparently, the police outside couldn’t hear the commotion. Probably too engrossed in mindless conversation or listening to the radio.

“You have any idea how hard it is to make a wreck look like an accident? Of course, you don’t. Henry was just in the way. I had to get rid of him you know? Then I had to wait and I did. I was patient. I knew if I gave her enough time she would see how much I loved her. But Cheri, that little bitch, she was determined to come between us. I couldn’t let that happen.”

My mind raced, trying to make sense of his words. He was crazy, insane and deranged.

“You killed Cheri’s dad? You couldn’t have. A drunk driver hit him. How could you orchestrate something like that?”

I had to keep him talking. The longer he bragged, the more time Dad had to get home to me. I wished I had one of those little panic buttons they give to old people for when they fall. At least then I could signal someone to come and help me. As it was I was a sitting duck for him.

“It was a lot easier than I thought it would be though. I jut had to find the right patsy. Poor bastard had no idea he was gonna die that night. He thought he had found a new friend when I started buying him shots. Then all I had to do was get him to drive me home.” Another evil laugh made me cringe as he continued his tale. “He was completely unconscious, did you know that? I had to wedge his foot against the gas pedal and steer the car from the passenger side. When I saw Henry’s car I aimed the drunk’s car, opened my door and rolled away, watching the beauty of it all.”

Any moment Dad would come rushing in the door, or the cops outside. Someone, anyone to make this madman go away.

“You know he begged for me to call for help? I watched as his life slipped away, and enjoyed every second of it. Cheri’s death was far too quick. I would have really enjoyed watching her suffer like her father did.”

I was horrified.

“You won’t get away with this.” I whispered.

Phillip grinned and reached his hand out to me, running his fingers through my hair. I jerked back from him as he grasped a handful, pulling me back to him.

“Don’t you realize that I don’t care if they catch me? I’ve already lost Marie. She was my life, that little whore Cheri took her from me though. She was gonna mess everything up. I had to get rid of her. Now I have to get rid of you,” he said.

His warm breath blew across my face as I scrunched my nose from the foul smell of it. This was it. He was gonna kill me and probably disappear without a trace. I thought about Cheri and how she must have felt as he forced the pills down her throat and smothered her face with his massive hands.




  1. Wow – I really like this. That last paragraph made me really want to know more!

  2. There’s some scary stuff, but I was a little confused/frustrated by the several paragraphs in which the narrator doesn’t *do* anything. The whole “dream” quality seems a bit of a stretch if someone you love has just come thudding down the the stairs and is lying there bleeding. Her instinct isn’t to go to him?

    • oops…I should have mentioned that she has a serverely broken leg and can’t walk without crutches( Phillip tried to kill her with his car and put her in the hospital) Yeah I can see where it is frustrating though. -sorry

  3. I had the same though as Bryn, so yeah – if the broken leg is interfering, I might expect her to get frustrated or curse her leg or some such. Maybe make an attempt to get up but have difficulty.

    Very creepy and evil scene here!

  4. Yikes! Bad guy is evil! I was a little bugged by the dialogue at times – it felt quite generic, like I’d read the lines often before. Stuff like “you monster”, “you won’t get away with this”, “got what she deserved”, etc. Just a thought! 🙂

  5. I don’t think I can add much more than the others have said. It does seem a little stiff and passive in places. I think you could do some chopping and tighten things up to add some tension to the scene.
    Do love the over-riding sense of evil.

  6. This was seriously creepy, but I agree with the other comments. The narrator should DO something. Just saying. ANd you need to tighten and check your grammar. Or I guess, you’ll be sending it to me. Won’t you. LOL. 🙂

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