TEASER TUESDAY 5-4-10

Here’s a bit more of my THE SACRIFICES: UNFORGIVEN series.

Enjoy!

Excerpt from pg. 173

“Forgive me,” I whispered.

I felt Nightshade’s body go limp in my hands and slowly released my hold on him. He slumped lifelessly to the floor. Tears ran down my face as I pulled my arms back through the bars.

I had taken a life. I was filled with grief for what I had done.

I made my way to the door of the cage and stepped out to freedom. I forced myself not to look at Nightshade’s dead body. I focused instead on the sounds coming from the tunnel. They were getting louder.

“Where is she Pharzuph? You swore to me she was here and you would release her if I came alone. Take me to her now,” Eli was yelling and fighting with Pharzuph.

Laughter rang out loudly. “She’s right down there Eligor. Stop fighting and you’ll see your precious Anael.”

The sounds of struggling stopped as I heard grunts coming from the darkness. I stepped back against the wall and looked for a place to hide. If I could surprise Pharzuph it would give Eli just enough time to overpower him. I found another tunnel hidden behind a red curtain. Carefully I pulled the curtain back and peered into the darkness. Thankfully no one was in the tunnel and I slipped behind the curtain.

As I peeked out into the room I saw Eli enter. His face was bloody as Pharzuph shoved him forward, holding a whip in his hand. It cracked loudly behind Eli as he urged him further into the room.

“Where is she?” Pharzuph cried out.

He looked angrily at the cage and began to search the room. His eyes fell on Nightshade. A wicked smile crossed his face.

“Your precious one isn’t so innocent now Eligor. Just look at what she has done to poor Nightshade. I wager that she drained the Elf as well and hid his body somewhere around here. Anael, where are you?” he called out.

I wanted to rush into the room but stayed hidden when I noticed Ogres enter the room. They grasped Eli and placed him in the chair, strapping him down with silver bindings. It was just like what I had seen in the pool, I had to stop this, and I had to save him. Ouriel entered carrying a silver dagger.

“Good work Pharzuph, at least you didn’t screw this up. Where’s the girl?” he asked angrily as he looked to the cage.

Pharzuph cringed away from his furious glance. “She must have escaped. What does it matter now? We have Eligor, get on with it before the others make it down here.”

Relief rushed through me. There were others coming to help. Eli had gone ahead of them and now the Guardians would storm the cave and rescue us both. 

There was movement behind me now; I pressed myself against the wall. The footsteps grew louder as they approached. I was frozen. If I ran out now I would be caught by one of the Ogres. If I stayed here whatever was lurking in the shadows would capture me. I decided to take my chances with the Ogres. Hopefully the chaos would be enough to buy us some time. I thrust the curtain back and ran into the room. Ouriel looked up and smiled.

“Ah, Anael, how kind of you to join us. I was just about to skewer your little boyfriend. Now you can watch as his blood, breaks the first seal that will bring forth Beleth.”

Ogres surrounded me. I tried to fight them off, but there were too many of them. For each one I knocked out of my path two more appeared. Eli struggled against the restraints as they sizzled into his skin.

“Yes, that’s it bleed, let you blood flow freely Eligor. Let it saturate the ground and begin the process. Beleth grows stronger with every drop,” Ouriel crooned.

He looked over to me as the Ogres closed in. They grabbed at my body, one of them made its way behind me and locked iron tight arms around me.

“Hold her there. I want her to watch,” Ouriel said as he inched closer to Eli.

I looked at Eli, the pain in my chest at the expression on his face was almost unbearable. He was staring at Nightshade’s body. I fought against the Ogre.

“Let me go! Eli, please fight him, you can do it. Get out of there.”

He looked back at me and shook his head; the sorrow in his eyes shot through me like a knife.

“Why Ana? What have you done?”

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7 Comments

  1. Wow, lots of action! This flies! I’m curious how she’s going to get out of this.

    Watch out for spots where you distance your MC from the reader. For example:
    “I felt Nightshade’s body go limp in my hands…” could be “Nightshade’s body went limp in my hands…”

    Or “The sounds of struggling stopped as I heard grunts coming from the darkness” could be “The sounds of struggling stopped as grunts came from the darkness.”

  2. Love the world you created and the cliffhanger at the end. The action is great as well.

  3. I love the last line. Good job!

  4. I can’t write an action scene to save my life.

    I agree with Ink on the distancing effect of some word choices. If you trim those surplus words, you’ll have a zippy scene here.

  5. This is really good. Your action rocks, as usual. Your descriptions are nice here too. What book is this from?

  6. Watch how many sentences you have start with “I”. I write first person, too, and had this pointed out to me, so I compared the number of “I” in my work with some published books. It’s easy in first person to do a lot of “I this” and “I that”, but it’s better to change the sentences around where you can.

    Remember to put a comma between the statement/question and the name, for example: “Where is she, Pharzuph?” The comma is there because the person can ask “Where is she?” but they’re directing the question to a specific person.

    Your action is great. If you heighten the emotional stakes from Anael, the section will really sing. This was good: “I looked at Eli, the pain in my chest at the expression on his face was almost unbearable.” Just keep showing how she feels because this looks to be a big moment in the book.

  7. Love your writing.


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